So I experienced my first weekend of transporting the kids to a 'public' location for swapping with my ex-. It worked well, other than the hit to my coffee budget since we meet at a coffee shop and I'm both drawn to make a purchase because of the enticing aroma but also because it feels weird to come and go in an establishment and not throw a little cash their way.
The real win this weekend, though, was that setting this boundary felt right. And in feeling right, it reinforced that this was a long-standing need I had ignored and one that, now, I can really deal with and which will eventually allow me to continue my own growth and discovery. It didn't feel good, mind you, but it felt right. I guess right-feeling is as important as good-feeling, for now anyway. Divorce and parenting with an ex- will likely never be easy (who am I kidding- it will NEVER be easy), but learning to acknowledge that very fact and figuring out the "so, what next, then" puzzle will be fruitful for me as a mother, a woman, a person.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Man, it's been a while!
And things have been going fine, yada, yada, yada-- 2009 was so long ago, it's not even worth updating you all. The quickest summary of all- still single, still mothering two kids, still working, still breathing. 'Nuff said.
But something this week happened that made me decide that it's time to dust this old blog off, if only for a few short weeks or months in order to process that which has happened. And sure, I'm doing a heck of a lot more private processing, but many friends watch out for me, and they are the ones I want to address here.
This week, I experienced a giant shift in the nature of my parenting relationship with my ex-husband. I had always bragged to my friends, colleagues, etc. about the amazing co-parenting relationship we had, how we always jointly put the kids ahead of our own wants or needs, how we approached everything as friends first. Sure our marriage had tanked given that he wanted out, but our parenting, man, we had that down pat.
A single decision changed all of that. This man that I had loved, this man that I had called friend, this man that I proclaimed to be the perfect co-parenting partner, this man ruined it. The decision was about high school for Wheat Thin, but this decision was about so much more than that. This decision was about who the ex- chose to support, why the ex- chose as he did, and the manner in which it all played out. He chose to support Wheat Thin (which normally I would agree is the right response, except for when Wheat Thin needs his parents to make the HARD decision so that more doors open to him and so that he challenges himself appropriately), he supported Wheat Thin because (in the ex-'s own words) he didn't want to hurt him again (which normally I would agree is the right response except for all of the professional advice from Wheat Thin's therapist that assured us both that Wheat Thin could handle this), and it all played out over about five days when I had been trying to engage on the topic for well over a year (which only matters because a looming deadline and an exhaustion from fighting created a perfect storm in which everything was blown apart).
Yes, I am upset that I 'lost' the fight (because I still believe so passionately, so wholly, so unreservedly that the decision that was made is the flat out wrong decision), but what upsets me more is the acknowledgment (some of my friends are screaming, "Finally!") that the ex- has used these same tactics over, and over, and over again in his version of co-parenting, and I have crumpled, and crumpled, and crumpled in order to maintain a 'good, healthy relationship' to display in front of the children.
So this last straw, as it were, is where I finally get real with the kids, real with myself, and real with the ex-. In one swift move I changed everything, sobbing while I did, about how he and I interact. And then I sat down with my children and explained everything to them about how this is a pattern I can't abide any longer, that I can't subject myself to the on-going pain of this relationship, and that while I know it impacts them, and I know they may feel like some of their own suffering is nigh, that I will continue to do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure that their needs are my top priority, but that I also have to protect my heart (and soul).
But now for some rejoicing, if I might. Since Wednesday, I have been raw with emotion, overwrought by tears and more than a dozen of my friends (some who I see and speak to regularly, some who I see and speak to frequently, and some who I haven't seen in years) all spoke out such words of hope, strength and wisdom to me that I became emblazoned by their courage, by their strength. Some of them spoke of awe towards me (and all I felt was awe towards them that they even care about what is happening- I mean come on, everyone has their own crap to endure, right). Many of them spoke of my skills as a mother (which you have to know felt like they were bestowing on me an award for a competition I never entered- feeling as I have this week that I have failed my kids so miserably with these actions). And every... single... one... of you, of them, spoke of their love for me (which, when you finally admit that the person you once gave all your love to hasn't loved you all along is the most amazing thing, to feel loved when you suddenly felt unlovable.. well, it's indescribable). So to all of you, those who spoke to me, those who wrote to me, and those who simply read those first words on Wednesday (or are reading these words now), thank you. And please know that I'll need all of these things for a very long time as this road that's become bumpy isn't likely to be smoothed out for a very long time.
But something this week happened that made me decide that it's time to dust this old blog off, if only for a few short weeks or months in order to process that which has happened. And sure, I'm doing a heck of a lot more private processing, but many friends watch out for me, and they are the ones I want to address here.
This week, I experienced a giant shift in the nature of my parenting relationship with my ex-husband. I had always bragged to my friends, colleagues, etc. about the amazing co-parenting relationship we had, how we always jointly put the kids ahead of our own wants or needs, how we approached everything as friends first. Sure our marriage had tanked given that he wanted out, but our parenting, man, we had that down pat.
A single decision changed all of that. This man that I had loved, this man that I had called friend, this man that I proclaimed to be the perfect co-parenting partner, this man ruined it. The decision was about high school for Wheat Thin, but this decision was about so much more than that. This decision was about who the ex- chose to support, why the ex- chose as he did, and the manner in which it all played out. He chose to support Wheat Thin (which normally I would agree is the right response, except for when Wheat Thin needs his parents to make the HARD decision so that more doors open to him and so that he challenges himself appropriately), he supported Wheat Thin because (in the ex-'s own words) he didn't want to hurt him again (which normally I would agree is the right response except for all of the professional advice from Wheat Thin's therapist that assured us both that Wheat Thin could handle this), and it all played out over about five days when I had been trying to engage on the topic for well over a year (which only matters because a looming deadline and an exhaustion from fighting created a perfect storm in which everything was blown apart).
Yes, I am upset that I 'lost' the fight (because I still believe so passionately, so wholly, so unreservedly that the decision that was made is the flat out wrong decision), but what upsets me more is the acknowledgment (some of my friends are screaming, "Finally!") that the ex- has used these same tactics over, and over, and over again in his version of co-parenting, and I have crumpled, and crumpled, and crumpled in order to maintain a 'good, healthy relationship' to display in front of the children.
So this last straw, as it were, is where I finally get real with the kids, real with myself, and real with the ex-. In one swift move I changed everything, sobbing while I did, about how he and I interact. And then I sat down with my children and explained everything to them about how this is a pattern I can't abide any longer, that I can't subject myself to the on-going pain of this relationship, and that while I know it impacts them, and I know they may feel like some of their own suffering is nigh, that I will continue to do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure that their needs are my top priority, but that I also have to protect my heart (and soul).
But now for some rejoicing, if I might. Since Wednesday, I have been raw with emotion, overwrought by tears and more than a dozen of my friends (some who I see and speak to regularly, some who I see and speak to frequently, and some who I haven't seen in years) all spoke out such words of hope, strength and wisdom to me that I became emblazoned by their courage, by their strength. Some of them spoke of awe towards me (and all I felt was awe towards them that they even care about what is happening- I mean come on, everyone has their own crap to endure, right). Many of them spoke of my skills as a mother (which you have to know felt like they were bestowing on me an award for a competition I never entered- feeling as I have this week that I have failed my kids so miserably with these actions). And every... single... one... of you, of them, spoke of their love for me (which, when you finally admit that the person you once gave all your love to hasn't loved you all along is the most amazing thing, to feel loved when you suddenly felt unlovable.. well, it's indescribable). So to all of you, those who spoke to me, those who wrote to me, and those who simply read those first words on Wednesday (or are reading these words now), thank you. And please know that I'll need all of these things for a very long time as this road that's become bumpy isn't likely to be smoothed out for a very long time.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Dudes, where have I been?
It's seriously been a month since I posted... what's up with that? Oh, yeah, life.
Let's see, had our summer vacation; had Girl Scout camp; had some dates with that guy (and I keep having more); had some fun with A and AA; had a death in the family; had Boy Scout camp preparation; had Board meeting preparation; had a lake trip; had a lot of movie theater trips; had some firework lighting; had some beautiful backyard pool time; had some yard work; had some walks and bike rides; had more than my share of coffee, Diet Dr. Pepper, wine, beer, and chips (though not all at the same time); had some sleep (though never enough, really).
Yeah, that would explain it.
Let's see, had our summer vacation; had Girl Scout camp; had some dates with that guy (and I keep having more); had some fun with A and AA; had a death in the family; had Boy Scout camp preparation; had Board meeting preparation; had a lake trip; had a lot of movie theater trips; had some firework lighting; had some beautiful backyard pool time; had some yard work; had some walks and bike rides; had more than my share of coffee, Diet Dr. Pepper, wine, beer, and chips (though not all at the same time); had some sleep (though never enough, really).
Yeah, that would explain it.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The clock plays tricks
At 9:00 I was tired.
At 10:00 I climbed into bed.
At 11:00 I am still awake.
...sigh...
At 10:00 I climbed into bed.
At 11:00 I am still awake.
...sigh...
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Waiting-- not my specialty
When I'm meeting someone somewhere and I get there first, I get all nervous when the other people aren't at the place because I'm sure I'm at the wrong place...
Turns out, I'm in the right place and they are on their way-- yippee!
Turns out, I'm in the right place and they are on their way-- yippee!
Friday, June 12, 2009
I need to tell you something, but you can't tell anyone...
I've started seeing someone, someone new, and by seeing I mean have had a date, the second will occur this weekend, we've had some excessive texting and long phone conversations. I think I might like him-- he gives me butterflies when I see his number on my phone, hear his voice, and am an my way to meet him.
I'm so trying to keep it in check- you know, don't want to jinx it, but inside I feel all giddy, like a little girl. We'll see if giddiness continues, if giddiness is warranted, we'll just see in general...
I'm so trying to keep it in check- you know, don't want to jinx it, but inside I feel all giddy, like a little girl. We'll see if giddiness continues, if giddiness is warranted, we'll just see in general...
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Adventure, California-style
Yesterday Wheat Thin, Twinkle Fingers, AA and I arrived at LAX for our summer vacation. Well, really it's our summer adventure.
We stayed the first night in Silver Lake- part of the Hollywood Hills, then this morning we drove 8 hours north to Orland, California, home of the west coast Farm Sanctuary.
The FS is a place where animals previously mistreated on factory farms, petting zoos, laboratories and the like are brought to live out their lives peacefully being well-loved by vegans and 'regular' animal lovers. We're staying on the Farm in the cabin-- we're loving it!!
Tomorrow we'll help out around here, preparing foods for the animals, brushing the goats, and lots of cuddling. We also happen to be the adoptive family to many of the animals so we'll be loving on them a little more than the others.
Saturday we'll head back to LA via the Pacific Coast Highway (yep, that means across the Golden Gate Bridge) for our final two days of our summer adventure California-style.
Much more to come, I'm sure.
We stayed the first night in Silver Lake- part of the Hollywood Hills, then this morning we drove 8 hours north to Orland, California, home of the west coast Farm Sanctuary.
The FS is a place where animals previously mistreated on factory farms, petting zoos, laboratories and the like are brought to live out their lives peacefully being well-loved by vegans and 'regular' animal lovers. We're staying on the Farm in the cabin-- we're loving it!!
Tomorrow we'll help out around here, preparing foods for the animals, brushing the goats, and lots of cuddling. We also happen to be the adoptive family to many of the animals so we'll be loving on them a little more than the others.
Saturday we'll head back to LA via the Pacific Coast Highway (yep, that means across the Golden Gate Bridge) for our final two days of our summer adventure California-style.
Much more to come, I'm sure.
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